Bilhah and Zilpah Get Their Due

A satire.

Rabbi Jonina Jett finished the last refrain of her song and put the guitar down alongside the holy ark which held the temple’s two torahs. She fixed her pink and white tallit which had slipped down her black leather jacket and moved back towards the microphone to address the one hundred or so worshipers.

Her congregation at Sisters of Tikkun Olam in California were used to passionate sermons from their outspoken life minister, but she was clearly more agitated that Saturday morning.

“My dear sisters,” Rabbi Jett began, “today is World Population Day, the day when we all must speak loudly about the real threat of the human population growing wildly out of control. It is a growing risk which has exacerbated climate change and threatens our planet and our very existence.”

She paused to survey her lesbian Jewish parishioners. A few began to nod in agreement, so she leaned in a bit more.

“Bernie Sanders told the world the truth: that we need to think about radical population control to save our world. It is the very essence of tikkun olam, repairing the damage that we have caused.” The very mention of Sanders brought the whole congregation together and everybody nodded in agreement. A few womyn even clapped.

“We are not living in the totalitarian world of “The Handmaid’s Tale” where almost everybody is infertile! It’s the very opposite, where only a few of us holy sisters are taking action with our bodies and choosing to NOT have children while much of the world falls under the weight and might of the patriarchy!” Pay dirt. The call of “patriarchy” brought the crowd to its feet.

Her point made, Rabbi Jett pivoted the speech.

“Yes, yes! We have taken responsibility for our lives and our planet! Each of us has acted in noble ways in our homes. But today I want to talk to you about something we should do as a community, right here in our sanctuary, in our liturgy. I want all of you to open your prayer books to the Amidah, the silent prayer.”

The audience became a congregation again and took their seats, flipping open the prayer books until the found they right page.

“Decades ago, feminist and progressive rabbis altered the opening lines of this central prayer to add the names of the matriarchs of Judaism: Sarah, Rebecca, Leah and Rachel. They broke with the mold of a male-dominated history and connection to God. But they did not do enough.” Becoming emotional, she cleared her throat and took a sip of water before continuing.

“Like all of you, I have watched “The Handmaid’s Tale” several times. I have been shaken to my core at a world that actually does NOT seem so different from our own. A world where women’s bodies are treated as possessions, in which society decides the fate of our beings and our offspring. We must all internalize that this dystopian world is not just a creation of fiction, but has basis in fact. In our own religion.

“Our own matriarchs and patriarchs used women as breeding machines. Four of the twelve tribes were brought into this world by the handmaidens of Rachel and Leah. One-third.” She paused to let the point sink in. “And we have all erased these mothers. Their bodies are not buried in Hebron. We do not speak their names.

“But they have names, and it is time to recognize the dark side of our history.

“There is a pen in front of each of you and I want you to take it and write the names of ‘Bilhah and Zilpah‘ right after our treasured matriarchs. These women are part of our story too. We owe it to them, to the modern day sexual slaves around the world, and to ourselves to remember them each and every day.”

As the congregation dutifully inscribed their prayer books, Rabbi Jett removed her jacket and showed everyone the new tattoos of “Bilhah” and “Zilpah” inked in Hebrew letters on her left forearm. “Let us never forget our fellow women, or we will be doomed to follow their fate.”

While her face was cold and determined, Rabbi Jett smiled to herself as she watched her flock follow her lead.


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Ilhan Omar and AOC Try To Reclaim The Word ‘Holocaust’

A satire.

Inspired by the ground-breaking work of Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello (Sasha Baron Cohen in ‘Who is America’), Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) are advancing a bill to reclaim the word ‘Holocaust,’ much as their liberal champion is fighting to reclaim the word ‘pedophile.’

“I am a pedophile in that I love children. And I reclaim that word because it has been stolen by the abusers. I love children and I am a proud pedophile.”

Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degecello in Season 1 Episode 4

AOC had channeled her scorn against the Trump Administration and said that the U.S. was making ‘concentration camps’ for Latin immigrants in the United States and that Jews should be the most sensitive to the crimes of the Republican administration which is waging a Holocaust against Hispanic children. Newsweek came to AOC’s defense by listing various academics who pointed out how concentration camps existed long before World War II.

Ilhan Omar said she was disgusted by alt-right Jews attacking her fellow liberal colleague. She held up a Merriam-Webster Dictionary and said “the word ‘Holocaust‘ is defined as ‘a thorough destruction involving extensive loss of life especially through fire.’ No ‘Jew’ in the definition. It is a word that existed long before Zionis… excuse me, Jews, died in World War II. We cannot continue to allow Zioni.. excuse me, Jews to steal our language from us, or buy it off with a bunch of Benjamins.

AOC said Republicans were missing the critical point of her comment: “Hispanics in this country are being forced into death marches to get here and are suffering pogroms under the direct orders of this Republican Nazi government, just as the Jews suffered under Germany’s government. All my Jewish coastal liberal latte-drinking out-of-touch politically-correct constituents agree with me.” She then added, “and you know I’m part Jewish too.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) on Twitter

Omar was more direct. “Holocaust imagery has been stolen by Zionist abusers. They don’t own all of the world’s suffering and they cannot steal everything they want. I am a black woman Muslim refugee. I have suffered a thousand times more than the millionaire Jewish bankers who attack me. I stand with AOC and we will reclaim all of these words on behalf of the downtrodden including: ‘Holocaust,’ ‘concentration camps,’ ‘death march,’ ‘pogrom,’ ‘crematoria’, and anything else we accidentally say in the future and need to defend rather than admit stupidity and guilt.

David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the KKK even chimed in to defend AOC: “The Nazis didn’t create the swastika; it was around for a thousand years. But the German government bans its use today as a cowardly retreat to Jews because they’re sensitive about some Jews dying a generation ago. I hope that AOC starts to wear one to congress to shut them [the Jews] up.”

Palestinian Authority President-for-Life Mahmoud Abbas cheered the initiative. “It’s well passed time for the Democrats to take back words which Jews stole for themselves years ago. They colonized language like they do everything else. I’ve been using the termsgenocide‘ and ‘ethnic cleansing‘ for years and the United Nations never complained. Matter of fact, they cheered. J Street even complemented me.

Brant Rosen, an alt-left anti-Zionist on the board of Jewish Voice for Peace penned his agreement with both Omar and AOC: “You know, even the word ‘Jude‘ was around for a long time. It was really the Beatles who made the word famous, even though right-wing and Orthodox-looking Jews would have you believe otherwise.

Linda Sarsour, a founder of the ‘Woman’s March’ said the whole thing stinks. “This a blood libel if there ever was one. The Judenrat are trying to kill Hispanic babies while pointing fingers at AOC as a distraction. I suggest doing a DNA test on all babkas and challahs in Jewish neighborhoods along the border.”

Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) added “the final solution to this Fuhrer – er, furor – is to stop the blitzkrieg against our human rights leaders like AOC and recognize that it’s the Republicans that are Nazis. I swear on my grandmother’s original edition of Mein Kampf.”

“It’s this whole evil hypnosis thing all over again,” Omar sighed. “I say, ‘Never Again.’


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Palestinians of Today and the Holocaust

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NY Times’ Sarah Jeong Guides Rep Ilhan Omar Tweets

A satire.

Rep. Ilhan Omar is under the microscope for some poorly worded tweets and comments she made about Israel supporters over the past few weeks, so Sarah Jeong, a member of The New York Times editorial board has tried to come to her rescue.

Jeong assumed she would be a natural to help Omar since she got into hot water for tweets she made, but came out unscathed. Some of Jeong’s famous tweets included:

  • Are white people genetically predisposed to burn faster in the sun, thus logically being only fit to live underground like groveling goblins”
  • “white people marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants”
  • “Oh man it’s kind of sick how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men.”

Jeong reached out to Omar to council her on bashing Zionists effectively. “You got to own it, girl,” she reportedly said. “The problem is that you didn’t lean in all the way. Bash those mother-f***ing white Jews and stare them in the face while you do it. With a smile, of course.

Jeong worked with Omar in scripting some choice tweets to be unveiled at choice times during the rest of the year. Some of their current lines include:

  • “Jews took my comments about ‘Benjamins’ the wrong way; I love Jewish money. I doodle yamulkes on the bills atop all of the white presidents.”
  • “That whole ‘hypnotize’ comment was after I watched Israeli mentalist Lior Suchard. Blame him.”
  • “When I said I was against lobbying for foreign entities, I meant I didn’t want Israeli food carts in front of the building. I’m allergic to Hummus.”

Linda Sarsour thought the tweets were too clever and funny. She worked with Omar on a different set:

  • “I truly enjoy when rich white Jewish men complain to a black immigrant woman that their feelings are hurt.”
  • “Did Bibi [Netanyahu] get his nickname from wearing a beanie as a kid or from shooting BB guns at Arabs?”
  • “if it were up to [Nita] Lowey and [Eliot] Engel, they would swap out the stars in the US flag to six pointed Jew stars.”
  • “Have you noticed how prickly Jews get when you talk about money – whether taxes, or BDS, or aid to Israel? It gives me a sublime high”
  • “How many times am I am going to listen to 6 million dead grandparents? I lived through hell in Somalia and I didn’t complain as much”
  • “I never suggested that American Jews have dual loyalty. I don’t think they have any loyalty to America at all.”
  • “If I can get both David Duke and Louis Farrakhan supporting what I’m saying, not only am I clearly right, I should win the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing these two together.”

There were several tweets up in the air like “Sieg Heil,” because Jeong wasn’t sure people would get the context, especially since they weren’t sure when they would post it. The new hashtag #AntiSemitesLivesMatter was deemed too copycat of #BlackLivesMatter, and the line “I love reverse racism when it’s in the negative and not directed at me,” was considered too complicated and not re-tweetable.

Marc Lamont Hill gave his seal of approval on both sets of tweets and previewed that Omar’s draft of upcoming tweets were not anti-Semitic on Al Jazeera, AJ+, and several media outlets run by Arab and Muslim countries. “As a man of color, I can clearly tell you what is and what is not racism and hate speech. Everyone watching should feel completely comfortable re-tweeting and using the same words in public with pride.”

Meanwhile, Jeong is very busy trying to get Lamont Hill onto the New York Times editorial board.


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Google to Stop Displaying Pictures of Israeli Flags in East Jerusalem and West Bank

A satire?

In response to Airbnb’s decision to not show any listings of rooms owned by Jewish Israelis (ROJI’s) for rental anymore, other technology firms have begun to rethink their position on the subject as well.

  • Google has decided to ban the display of the Israeli flag at the Kotel, as it harms the sensibilities of Arab Muslims
  • YouTube will block videos of Jews walking on the Temple Mount, as it is a core issue blocking peace in the region
  • Vice Media will only refer to Jerusalem as “Al Quds” and the Temple Mount as “The Al Aqsa Compound” to avoid offending 1.8 billion Muslims worldwide
  • Uber will no longer pick up any Jews in the West Bank
  • Spotify will only play Arabic songs in the Middle East, to keep the Arab culture pure
  • Expedia will only list hotels owned by non-Jews in Israel and the West Bank, to show its stance in opposition to Jewish colonialism
  • Amazon will only sell books which refer to the entirety of Gaza, the West Bank and Israel as “Palestine”
  • Facebook declared that the pages of Hamas and Islamic Jihad will both be reinstated and that of the Zionist Organization of America will be blocked
  • Netflix announced the cancellation of “Fauda” and will replace it with a new show called “Jihad”
  • Apple will no longer buy any Israeli technology companies that help the “occupation”
  • Microsoft said that it’s Skype program will no longer be available to any Zionists, as determined by an algorithm embedded in its operating system
  • Intel is working on a patch to its Mobileye business that will disable all safety features if a Jew or Zionist is driving

The United Nations and The New York Times noted that these were already established policies so did not need to make any updates or changes.


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“Protocols of the Elders of Zion – The Musical”

A satire

Former Pink Floyd front-man Roger Waters just finished his new project called “The Powerful Jew.” The sprawling effort includes a movie, play and musical score. The most powerful songs include “Wish You Weren’t Here,” “Us and Them Jews,” “Money, All Jews Talk About is Money,” and the anthem “Pig Man,” about the evil Jew stealing and controlling world resources.

Floating pig with Jewish star at Waters’ concert

It has been getting a lot of attention in previews.

  • The New York Times called the work a “masterpiece” on par with the opera “The Death of Klinghoffer
  • Louis Farrakhan gave it “two Satanic Jew horns’ up
  • Al Jazeera said the movie “highlighted how Israeli forces are attempting to Judaize the world via various measures of control. They are attempting a takeover of Arab and global resources for their own benefit. Waters hit the mark.
  • Linda Sarsour, Melissa Harris-Perry and Tamika Mallory, organizers of the Women’s March said that the movie and music were “great” and loudly defended Roger Waters against charges that he is an anti-Semite: “Waters is no anti-Semite. He has enemies, just like Jesus had enemies for telling the truth.”
  • Ilhan Omar, a Democratic Socialist who just won election in Minnesota said that she will use some of the music from the album at her swearing in ceremony. “Waters’ work shows how the Zionist Jews have hypnotized the world. May Allah awaken the people to see the evil that is Israel.”

However, not everyone has loudly endorsed the album.

Former President Barack Obama said he didn’t think any of the songs would make his playlist for 2018. “I already have Palestinian rapper DJ Khaled on my favorite list. If I have too many [artists] who shout ‘Free Palestine’ on it, people will question my pro-Israel bona fides.”

UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn criticized Obama’s reaction to the work. Corbyn said “Waters is ‘an ambassador for peace,’ and members of Israeli government are war criminals. That’s the truth and I stand proudly with Waters. Shame on Obama and other government leaders for hiding in the shadows, still living in fear of their Jewish masters.

Corbyn is pushing Queen Elizabeth to knight Waters for his lifetime of work unveiling the global Jewish conspiracy. His target date is 23 May 2019, to coincide with the 80th anniversary of the British White Paper which capped Jewish immigration to Palestine, resulting in the deaths of well over 100,000 of Jews in Europe.

When Waters was asked about the knighthood being proposed by Corbyn for the work against the evil Jewish empire, he repliedMe? I’m going to have a cigar. Corbyn? He’s gonna go far and fly high. Our goal of eradicating Israel? It’s never gonna die. Our mission of enlisting the world to combat the evil Jew? It could be made into a monster if we all pull together as a team.”


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Ben & Jerry’s New Flavor: Milano Zio

A satire.

Ben & Jerry’s unveiled its latest ice cream called “Pecan Resist,” a flavor that pays homage to the anti-Trump movement. The company’s founders announced that proceeds from sales of Pecan Resist will go to benefit four progressive groups including the Women’s March. The cover of the ice cream packaging includes illustrations of the organizers of the Women’s March, including those whom are fiercely anti-Zionist and proudly associate with antisemites including Louis Farrakhan.

Being progressive capitalists at heart, Ben & Jerry’s has opted to sell yet another flavor trying to appeal to progressives who aren’t antisemites. It is called “Milano Zio,” named after Alyssa Milano who refuses to be associated with the Women’s March until its promoters Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory condemn Farrakhan.

While Pecan Resist was mostly dark with chocolate ice cream and included an assortment of nuts, Milano Zio will be made of vanilla ice cream with pieces of Milano cookies to add a drop of color and crunch. A small sliced carrot will sit atop the ice cream, as a shout out to gefilte fish.

Asked by reporters why they decided to launch a new flavor trying to appeal to Jews and Zionists, the ice cream makers directed them to look at the message on the container. It reads:

“Together we can build a more just and equitable tomorrow. Just as Pecan Resist can foster a future that values inclusivity, equality, and justice for people of color, women, the LGBTQ community, refugees, and immigrants, we believe that there is a place in the world for Jews and a Jewish State. However, as progressives, we dare not include these people with our general message of inclusivity.”

Asked for clarification on what the statement meant, the Ben & Jerry’s spokesman said: “The Black Lives Matter and Women’s March were completely against the Jews and Zionists being included in our peaceful message so we needed to handle them separately.

Like the small number of Jews and tiny State of Israel, the Milano Zio flavor will only be sold in a new quarter pint size.

Proceeds from the sale of Milano Zio will go to Jerusalem’s Shaare Zedek Hospital’s new center for lactose intolerance.


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J Street Saddened by Passage of Palestinian Basic Law

A satire.

 

J Street’s tagline is “the political home of pro-Palestinian, pro-peace Americans.” It is not surprising that a group with such orientation would voice its strong displeasure with the Palestinian Basic Law, sayingThis is a sad day for Palestine and all who care about its democracy and its future.

J Street noted some troubling clauses in the Permanent Constitution Draft. Consider Article 2:

“Palestine is part of the Arab homeland. The state of Palestine abides by the Charter of the League of Arab States. The Palestinian people are part of the Arab and Islamic nations. Arab unity is a goal. The Palestinian people work on behalf of its realization.”

J Street was horrified to only see “Arab” written throughout the text. Where was the space for non-Arabs? Why was Palestine ascribed to be part only of the Islamic nations? How were non-Muslims going to feel about such language?

The language would get even worse as the text continued to become more specific. Consider Article 4:

“Jerusalem is the capital of the state of Palestine and seat of its public authorities.”

How could the Palestinians state that Jerusalem is its capital when the Israelis claim the city for its eternal capital? Such a declaration spits in the face of Israel and diminishes a chance for peace and reconciliation.

Article 5 added to the problems:

“Arabic is the official language and Islam is the official religion in Palestine. Christianity and all other monotheistic religions are accorded sanctity and respect. The constitution guarantees equality in rights and duties to all citizens irrespective of their religious creed.”

J Street was apoplectic about this clause. Why wasn’t Hebrew included as an official language? Why was Islam declared as the only official religion? The Basic Law mentioned that Christianity would be accorded “sanctity and respect,” but the law would not even mention the word “Judaism.” What kind of respect was the Palestinian Law truly giving when it could not even bring itself to mention Jews and Judaism?

J Street’s press release was biting:

“The Israeli minority that lives in the West Bank already face terrible job persecution and have a difficult time buying land due to Palestinian law that forbids any Arab from selling land to a Jew (subject to penalty of death). The laws laid out in the Constitution further reiterate that Israeli Palestinians are second class in their own homeland.

“This is an alarming trend of Palestine pulling back from its commitments to become a liberal democracy and moving in an increasingly theocratic, authoritarian and xenophobic direction.”

J Street commented that it was concerned about Mahmoud Abbas’s recent comments that he will continue paying the families of murderers monthly stipends. “Several left-wing NGOs receive some of that money,” J Street noted. “But not enough.

J Street’s President Jeremy al-Ami, said that “We need more outspoken opposition to the far-right policies of xenophobia shown by Abbas and his cronies. We need more voices questioning the horrible laws and declarations in the Palestinian Constitution to make a better life for Israelis and Palestinians and Israeli Palestinians and Palestinian Israelis.


Arab MK Ayman Odeh at J Street Conference was given a warm welcome.
Odeh would later refuse to meet with Jewish leaders because the meeting
was on the same floor as the Jewish Agency.


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Israel’s Kite Business Gets a Second Wind

A satire.

 

Duvi sat at his desk bored.

He looked past the fidgit spinner in his hand to a virtually empty production facility. Only two people moved about the large kite manufacturing assembly line that once handled 20 people. He let a long breath escape his mouth as he looked down at the fidgit spinner. He pondered whether it would be better to spin it counter-clockwise rather than clockwise as an Israeli that read from right-to-left.

The phone rang. The sound washed out every noise in the warehouse.

Alo,” Duvi whispered into the phone, with a voice dry and crackled as he hadn’t spoken in almost an hour. One of the two workers turned to listen to him.

What?! Be’emet?! (truly?)” he called out to the world as much as to the person on the other end of the conversation. He smacked his forehead and broke into a grin “Sababa! Thank you so much!” and hung up.

Hudi, you will not believe it! We are back in business!” Call Moishe and Rachel to get over here,” Duvi called out as he sprang from his desk.

What is it, what’s going on,” Hudi asked. “Who was that on the phone?

The Minister of Defense,” he said proudly. “The Israeli army just ordered 10,000 kites. It would seem that our government has been ordered to use ‘proportionate action’ against the Gazans so needs an arsenal of kites to counter Hamas’s petrol kites.

Well, we cannot use our standard kites then,” Hudi considered. “We will need to strengthen the wires to support the added weight. It’ll also need a proper basket to carry the gasoline.

The other worker Sara heard what was going on and chimed in. “We need to build something other than a basket as the lit fire would ignite the kite.” Sara pulled out a piece of paper and began to design a fire-bombing kite that would be both flight-worthy and effective.

Duvi grabbed the phone and began to dial, speaking to both Hudi and Sara. “I will call Izik to provide the latest fiber technology and Omri has an amazing lighter and stronger replacement material for nylon. The stronger and lighter materials will compensate for the weight of the gasoline.

Within ten minutes they had designed and placed orders for materials for a newly designed kite that incorporated some artificial intelligence that would help the kite fly itself in high winds. It was brilliant.

They looked at each other and did a group hug. Sara smiled and noted “You know that the air force is going to claim they own the patent on this now,” and they all laughed.

Hudi asked, “Should we decorate the kite? Hamas is sending over their kites into Israel with swastikas, apparently the group with whom they most relate. What should we use?

Do you think they use Nazi propaganda because they think like Nazis or because they believe that we will become more scared of them because of the Nazi imagery?” asked Duvi.

Probably both,” answered Sara.

Then let’s continue the measure-for-measure against them,” Hudi said defiantly. “Let them see the images of the people that will bring their destruction. Let’s use mirrors so that they see themselves.”


Gazan prepare their fire-bombing kites for Israel, 2018

The phone rang again. They smiled too soon.

Alo!” Duvi answered loudly. “What?! No, no, no. We’re all done. It’s brilliant!” he protested. “The world has never seen a kite like ours.” He shook his head and listened some more. “I’m sure. Yes, I get it. OK. bye.

Duvi turned to Sara and Hudi and said “We have to hold off on building these. It seems that the special United Nations representative for the Palestinians has demanded that we cannot use Israeli ingenuity in defending ourselves either. We have to use the exact same armaments as the Palestinians use. A Norwegian NGO is now dropping off kites and slingshots for the IDF and monitoring the border to ensure no sophisticated weaponry is used against the Gazans.

Sara slumped in a chair. Hudi was more defiant. “Will they also drop off knives and butcher cleavers for us to stab Arabs in mosques as they pray? Who are these morons?

Duvi tried to console her. “Stop. They are not morons. They are ‘progressives’ that have the luxury of living in a peaceful environment. We are the morons for listening to them.”

Sara whimpered “Maybe we can send our new kites to Gaza for Hamas to use?

Duvi grabbed the fidgit spinner that had fallen to the floor. He bit into it to see if it was real.


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Fun With Cause-and-Effect: Gaza Border Protests

A satire.

 

The Israeli soldiers took up positions near the Gaza fence. Over 100 men in total, they crouched behind a large berm obscuring the view of their target. They talked.

We never should have left Gaza in 2005,” said Corporal No-Name Israeli.

I know,” said Private Faceless Ashkenazi, “but now we can finally rectify the mistake.

They were called to attention by their commander and fifty conversations dropped in a moment.

My dear brothers, we will now begin a multi-week attack on the border that was set up dividing our homeland,” the stocky 26-year-old Zionist commander began. “Our mission is to obliterate the fence that marks the beginning of Jew-free land. Every Friday over the course of several weeks, we will come to various spots along the Gaza border and begin to dismantle the fence. We will use a variety of means as the situation demands, but be prepared to use the full array of armaments that you carry.”

The Israeli soldiers were delighted. They shot off their guns in the air and passed candies among each other as though they had just killed a terrorist.

Begin!” the commander called.

And just like that, 120 soldiers climbed the dune and began to fire upon the Gaza border fence.

The Reaction in Gaza

The Hamas Friday bingo game was just getting exciting. The sweet-faced Ismail Haniyeh, was calling out the numbers for the crowd of 2,000 peace-loving refugees. “I – 48,” he called into the microphone in the large UNRWA-funded mosque. “I – 48. ‘I’ as in ‘Inshallah’ and ’48’ as in the year marking our Nakba.

Suddenly the crackle of gunfire pierced their quiet Friday ritual.

The Israelis!” someone cried. “The Israelis are attacking the border. They are trying to reclaim Gaza!

The head of the popular social service organization knew he needed to take charge. Haniyeh pulled the microphone to his mouth. “People! Hamas does not want there to be any violence. We must take measured approaches to the Israeli attacks. Everyone, go to your home and remove the tires from your vehicles and meet me near the border fence with as many tires as you can muster!

Within 30 minutes, tens of thousands of simple, kind, gentle Palestinians were at the border of their coastal enclave in a desperate attempt to save their border fence. Members from the global press and United Nations brought tires too.

As they watched their dear fence slowly crumble from the Israeli gunfire, Yahwa Sinwar, another Hamas leader known for his warm outreach to Israelis shouted in a megaphone: “People of Gaza! Protect our fence! Set fire to your tires and roll them towards the fence to obscure the vision of the Israeli snipers. Protect our Gaza! Protect our independence!

The Gazans were caught off guard. No one had told them to bring matches. Each turned to the right and left for a light.

The UNRWA officials at the rally came to the rescue. They put down the dozens of Molotov cocktails that they were holding and lit up everyone’s tires.

The smoke screen began.

A picture taken on March 30, 2018 from the southern Israeli kibbutz of Nahal Oz across the border from the Gaza strip./ AFP PHOTO / Jack GUEZ (Photo credit should read JACK GUEZ/AFP/Getty Images)

The Israelis were alarmed. They were not expecting a protest from the Gazans. The Palestinians had always been peaceful and content with their situation, whether good or bad. But now they were harming the operation by shielding the fence.

The Israeli commander instructed his soldiers to put down their guns. “Throw your grenades towards the fence!” he yelled. “Ideally, as indiscriminately as possible.

The blasts and booms sent fear into the Gazans’ hearts. The dirt and debris flew everywhere. This was no longer simply a matter of the border fence being destroyed, but the laundry on the lines near the fence was becoming filthy.

Haniyeh ordered the people forward towards the fence. Everyone grabbed the sheets and slingshots that were lying on the ground and began to fling the rocks and debris off in the direction of the Israelis to get them to stop their attack on the fence. Even the press and senior leadership of UNRWA began to throw their Molotov cocktails towards the Israelis in an attempt to reestablish the status quo of peace and civility.

After a few hours, each side returned home, knowing that they would repeat the same dance each Friday until Israel’s Independence Day, when Israelis both celebrate their country’s birth and mourn the truncated nature of their sovereignty in the Jewish Promised Land.

As always, the smoke screen would continue.


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Charlie Hebdo Will No Longer Sell Magazines to 20 Islamic Terrorist Groups

A satire.

On the three year anniversary of the shooting at the satirical French publication Charlie Hebdo, the magazine’s publishers announced that it was no longer going to sell its papers to Islamic terrorists.

The January 2015 attack by Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) killed a dozen people as the group was infuriated by the magazine’s depiction of their prophet Mohammed in cartoons. In killing the people at the magazine, the Islamic terrorists sought to shut down the offensive paper.

But three years on, Charlie Hebdo is still functioning and printing its satirical assaults on politicians and religions. The Islamic jihadists are no more amused today than they were three years ago.

Al Qaeda operatives continue to be among the most ardent followers of the magazine, with some estimates having the various jihadist groups buying as much as 18% of the total circulation. The AQAP Facebook page posts several harangues about the devilish nature of the paper and its publishers after every issue. AQAP, the Taliban and 18 other jihadist groups have sought a new fatwa against all people associated with the magazine and have urged the world to boycott the publication.

Charlie Hebdo blacklisted the 20 groups in response.

The head of marketing and advertising (who has withheld his name for fear of retribution) at Charlie Hebdo said that they thought they were helping the jihadists in breaking a terrible addictive habit. “On the one hand, they hate us and on the other, they are obsessed with us. We thought we were doing them a favor,” in preventing them from buying more magazines. “They keep on coming back so they can get more incensed. Their anger produces more invective producing bad outcomes for everyone. It’s bad enough that their terrorists; now they’re also angry.

The magazine has worked out a deal with its distributors that prospective purchasers must present ID cards when they attempt to buy the magazine. Anyone with an AQAP gun association or AAA (Al-Qaeda Automotive Attackers) card will be turned down and instead offered a coupon for a 30-minute massage. “Our thought was to help the jihadists get some quiet time and stop them from killing others,” said Guy Klever, the Minister of Strategic Affairs. “Charlie Hebdo will actively prevent such groups from spreading their slander against our satire. They must chill immediately!

Top dog terrorist Hay’man al-Za’worry was outraged at being denied the right to purchase the magazine. “This is a war on freedom of speech and commerce,” he announced. “This is a new low, even for such a despicable organization. It will not slow us down in our efforts to vilify and shut down this paper. We will continue to buy as many as possible until we put them out of business.”

Rebeka Folkcommerce, executive director of the Jewish Voice for Propaganda, chimed in about the blacklisting, “As someone who buys and publishes a lot of propaganda, this policy will be a real hardship,” for anyone that needs to buy the paper to enable them to destroy it.

Upon learning about the loss of thousands of magazine orders due to the blacklisting, Israel placed a standing order to purchase the same number so that Charlie Hebdo would not feel the pinch. “Something about this blacklist feels eerily familiar,” noted Israeli Prime Minister Bubba Netanyahu.


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