Scene: A conference room with dozens of politicians, including the senior members of the P5+1 team and Iran, negotiating terms to the comprehensive nuclear agreement. The hour is late and people are agitated and sleepy. Each country team is mostly talking amongst themselves.
Sensing the moment is right to bring up a new deal point, US Secretary of State John Kerry attempts to catch everyone’s attention.
US Secretary John Kerry (in a loud clear voice): “We have gone through the various points of this agreement and concluded that we cannot approve it without additional security precautions. As such, we insist on automatic ‘snapback sanctions’ if there is a material breach of the terms of the agreement.”
Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi: “What are ‘snack-pack sanctions’?”
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov: “’’Snack-pack inspections’. It is another excuse for the Americans to snoop around.”
Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif: “I won’t agree to it. That is outrageous. Why must you Americans continue to compromise on our dignity?!”
Germany’s Foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle: “Mohammad, please. It is not that big a condition. Use the American request to push forward some of your own ideas.”
Zarif: “Why are Iranian snacks anyone’s concern? You have pushed too far!”
French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius: “The Americans are big snackers, they cannot help themselves! Eating all of that fast food and potato chips!”
Aide to Kerry blurts out: “Potato chips are just cold French fries!”
Fabius: “Your ‘French Fries’ are not from France, you idiot!”
Westerwelle (laughing while patting his stomach): “The Americans don’t just snack- they snack BIG. They turn warehouses into giant snack stores. That’s why they have snacks in packs. Can you imagine!”
Kerry: “People! I said ‘snapback sanctions’ not ‘snack-pack inspections’. We need some teeth in this agreement.”
Fabius: “You Americans are real gluttons, sinking you teeth into everything. Why do you have to always focus on consuming so much garbage?”
Zarif: “I cannot agree!”
Lavrov (in a loud, condescending voice): “Hey, Mr. Ketchup, let’s say we agree with snack-pack inspections. But you would have to agree to import some of our snacks too. For example, some Beluga caviar. It would be a nice improvement for your abused tongues.”
Zarif: “We get to export our caviar to the Americans again? This would be excellent!”
Lavrov (in a hushed voice to Zarif): “You and I will discuss later where the caviar will actually come from.”
British Foreign Secretary William Hague: “Does that satisfy your appetite, John?”
Yi: “Be careful Mohammad. Your country is about to be flooded with McDonalds!”
Zarif: “I’ll tell you, I will take up to 20 McDonalds, but America must agree to take our pistachios as well.”
Lavrov (out loud, but absent-mindedly): “But Russia doesn’t export pistachios.”
Hague: “Well, maybe Iran could also start to import our ‘Smarties’ now.”
Kerry: “People! This is not about exporting chocolate to Iran!”
Lavrov: “Hey Mr. Heinz! Did you marry a Hershey too? Keep quiet and we’ll handle the details of your new request.”
The conference room breaks down into lots of side conversations. After a minute, Kerry pushes away from the table disgusted, and leaves the room with some aides.
Scene: Outside the conference room, Secretary Kerry walks the halls with two assistants with a phone clutched in his hand.
Kerry (agitated): “Yes, Mr. President…. Yes, I brought it up…. How did it go?.. Well, let me sum it up this way. The other members of the P5+1 team are now renaming the streets in front of the American embassies in their cities ‘Hershey Highway’.”
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